Two.
I’m going to have two children.
That means my husband will have three kids to take care of.

But really, much of the time I feel like just a child myself, trying to find my way in the world, eating candy whenever possible, and crying about silly things. How will I manage two small humans depending on me all the time?

The thought of this is both thrilling and overwhelming. I am thrilled that Simona will get to have a little sister to play with, to dress up with, to exercise her imagination.

I’ll probably have to deal with fighting, and scheming against mom and dad, and bossiness and sharing, but that’s just part of the deal.

Right now that doesn’t scare me as much as how I’m actually going to handle the kids, like physically. I already feel so exhausted much of the time and really look forward to vegging on the couch in the evening, so if you double my kid-load, well, I guess no one knows what’s going to happen.

I worry that I’ll rely on the TV too much, that I’ll just plop Simona in front of there so I can feed the baby or get one thing done or actually just zone out.

And speaking of getting things done, I feel so behind on housework/other work all the time that I can only imagine how I’ll feel with two kids.

I’m in a constant state of picking things up and trying to reign in clutter, and I used to be a stickler about keeping my kitchen clean but I’ve come down from that high horse.

And forget about mopping floors or cleaning showers, don’t even tell me that mothers find time for that stuff on a regular basis.

Is there a magic formula I haven’t figured out? Or are all moms just much more energetic than I am?

Did everyone figure out how to keep their two-year-olds off of their skirt hems long enough to empty the dishwasher? Does everyone have maids? Or, have they just accepted that life with kids is messy?

That has to be it. I’m going to tell myself that’s it. I can’t expect to have a perfectly clean, organized life if I have children. Those things might be at odds with each other. I get to watch children grow up, and growing up is about experiencing new things and creating messes and making mistakes.

I’ll try to keep a handle on my house, but keeping a handle on my kids is more important. And I’m not talking about those kiddie leashes.

I’m talking about being there for them, and doing things with them, and trying my best to help them grow into the best people they can be.

My husband tells me it’s just because I’m pregnant that I’m out of energy all the time, and I hope he’s right.

My mom tells me that I’ll have strength for the tasks in front of me as they come, and I’m pretty sure she’s right.

I saw that a little bit with Simona: the days when I had hardly slept and didn’t know how I’d make it through were often the days when I got inexplicable energy to do what was needed.

I already get by on less sleep that I ever thought I could, so that’s a small miracle right there. (I’m still tired pretty much always, but I think I {usually} handle it better than I did in the beginning.)

So I trust that I’ll get the strength that I need for two children. Often we need to be stretched to see that we are capable of more than we think. It’s how we grow.